The most dangerous time

The most dangerous time ~

I have taken a small section of my book to let everyone know the inherent dangers that they may incur in their escape plan. I have included in my book resources and whom to trust, as well as real life stories of those who have been in your shoes and what they went through.

There is something important to understand about the period before and after leaving, because understanding it may be the most consequential thing in this chapter.

Research on domestic violence lethality consistently shows that the period immediately surrounding a survivor’s departure — the weeks before leaving becomes apparent to the abuser, and the weeks and months immediately after — is when the risk of serious violence is highest. Survivors are at significantly greater risk of being killed by their abuser during this period than at any other point in the relationship.

This is not said to frighten you out of leaving. It is said because knowing it changes how you plan. An abuser who feels their control slipping — who senses that you are preparing to go, or who has been told that you are leaving, or who has discovered that you have left — may escalate in ways that were not present before. The escalation is about the loss of control, not about love, and it can come from abusers who have not previously used physical violence.

What this means in practice: the planning phase should be as invisible as possible. Preparations should be made quietly, over time, without tipping off the abuser that leaving is being considered. Confrontations and announcements should, wherever possible, be avoided until the actual moment of departure — and even then, the safest departure is often one that happens when the abuser is not present.

A domestic violence advocate can help you assess the specific level of risk in your situation and advise on the safest approach for your particular circumstances. The guidance in this chapter is general; an advocate who knows your situation can make it specific.

If you believe you are in immediate danger at any point — before, during, or after leaving — contact emergency services. Your safety takes precedence over any plan. Leave first. Everything else can be addressed afterward.

Building a safety plan

A safety plan is not a single document. It is a set of decisions made in advance, covering what you will do in different scenarios, so that when the time comes — whether it arrives on your schedule or not — the most important things have already been thought through.

Safety planning is best done with the support of a domestic violence advocate, who can help tailor the plan to your specific situation. But even a plan built without professional support is better than no plan. The following framework covers the main areas.

Inside the home. Before leaving becomes a realistic near-term possibility, it is worth identifying the safest and least safe areas of your home in the event of a violent incident. Which rooms have exits? Which rooms have locks? Which rooms do not — and should be avoided if a situation escalates? Is there a phone always within reach? Is there a word or signal agreed with your children, or with a neighbour, that means call for help?

Your exit route. How will you leave? Which door? Is there a car, and do you have keys? If you have children, where will they be, and how will you take them with you? If you have pets, what is the plan? Where will you go immediately after leaving? Do you have the address, and does the person at that address know you may arrive?

Who knows the plan. At minimum, one person outside the home should know that you are planning to leave and should have a way of checking in with you. This does not mean telling everyone — the fewer people who know, the less chance of information reaching the abuser. But complete isolation in the planning phase is also dangerous. One trusted person, who knows the timeline and who will notice if you go silent, is an important safeguard.

A code word. A word or phrase agreed with a trusted person — a friend, a family member, a neighbour — that means: I need help right now, call for assistance, this is not a normal conversation. Simple, memorable, and easily worked into an ordinary sentence. Some survivors also arrange a code with a neighbour: if there is noise, or a call goes silent, or the code word appears in a text, contact the police.

After you leave. Where will you stay, and for how long? Does the person you are staying with know not to disclose your location? Do you need emergency accommodation? (This is where a shelter or refuge becomes relevant — a domestic violence organisation can help arrange this.) Have you thought about the first twenty-four to forty-eight hours in terms of the children’s needs, your own immediate needs, and who to contact first?

What to take

Gathering documents and essentials in advance — quietly, incrementally, without triggering suspicion — makes the leaving itself less chaotic and the period afterward more manageable. The goal is not to take everything. It is to take the things that are hardest to replace and most necessary for starting again.

Documents and identification — these are the priority:

– Passports and identity documents for yourself and your children

– Birth certificates

– National insurance or social security cards

– Any visas, residency documents, or immigration paperwork

– Marriage or divorce certificates

– Children’s school records and medical records

– Your own medical records, prescriptions, and any ongoing medication

– Driving licence

– Any legal documents: tenancy agreements, mortgage papers, custody orders

Financial essentials:

– Bank cards for any account in your name only

– Cash — enough for immediate expenses, gathered quietly over time

– Details of any joint accounts, pensions, or assets you may need to access later

– Payslips or evidence of income if available

Practical items:

– A charged phone, and a charger

– Keys — house, car, any storage

– Medications and medical equipment

– Clothing and essentials for you and any children — a few days’ worth

– Any items of strong sentimental value that are small and portable

– Children’s comfort items if possible — a favourite toy or blanket

If gathering these in advance is not safe — if a bag would be discovered, or a missing document would be noticed — there are alternatives. Documents can be photographed and stored securely in the cloud or emailed to a trusted person. A bag can be kept at a friend’s or family member’s home rather than in the house. Cash can be held by a trusted person rather than hidden at home.

The priority, if an unplanned departure becomes necessary, is: yourself, your children, your phone, and your identification documents. Everything else can be retrieved, replaced, or resolved in time.